What I learned from high school betrayal
I was reading an article last month about why high school memories are burned in our brains. In the article, the author, Dr. Frank T. McAndrew, an evolutionary psychologist, argues that it’s because through millions of years of evolution our brains were not prepared for the social bubble that is high school.
McAndrew goes on to say “...the world that we evolved to be successful in (a small, stable group of interrelated people of various ages) is very different from the holding pen full of teenagers brimming with hormones that populate our world during the high school years.”
Each one of us has different memories of high school. Some remember it as the best time of their lives. They made great friends, met their lifelong loves, went to parties, played on school teams. They still regularly reminisce about the good old days with no regrets.
A couple of pages from my grade 10 high school yearbook
Most of us, though, experience high school as a roller coaster of embarrassment, joy, struggles for acceptance, passionate crushes, unrequited romances and betrayal.
In other words, as McAndrew asserts, it is a time of strong emotions. And strong emotions usually lead to strong memories.
In 1982, in the final months of Grade 7, I was very excited to go to high school. I really enjoyed my elementary school years and had formed a strong bond with most of my classmates. Most of us had been together since Grade 1. Since our high school was just across the field from our elementary school, I assumed we would all stick together and the fun would continue, just with more freedom.
Unfortunately that was not to be the case. On the first day in September 1982, I was hard-pressed to find anyone I knew. And when I did, we were rushing to get to our next classes. The last class of that first day was Art with Mr. Rossi and I made a connection with a shy guy in that class. We hung out after school for a bit that day before we each had to go home. I remember feeling relieved that at least I was able to make 1 new friend. All hope was not lost.
Day 2 was better. My first class was Math and, as I walked through the door, my eyes locked with 1 of my best friends from Grade 7. She and I hugged and made a quick decision to share desks. As the class filled in, another girl that we had met at a joint Grade 7 camp with another school showed up and then another girl who played softball with my Grade 7 friend. We sat in a cluster in the middle of the class and laughed at each other’s jokes. Whew! I belonged, at least when it came to Mr. Parkes’ Math class.
Of course, as the year continued, cliques formed. There were the ‘jocks,’ the ‘rockers,’ ‘the academics,’ several other psychographically segmented groups, and then a bunch of us, including me, that didn’t seem to fit in any one group. I figured out a way to mix and get along with everyone as individuals.
This had an upside and a downside. The upside was that everyone knew me and I was able to have friendly conversations with pretty much anyone. The downside was that I didn't really have many close friends. Except for one. One of my classmates from elementary school and I had reconnected and, although he was an athlete and I was not, we had a lot in common.
The following year, in Grade 9, that friend betrayed me. Before I go any further, let me say the 2 of us had a drink together about 8 years ago and made peace.
But at the time, at the age of 14, I was devastated. For 2 weeks after I’d realized the betrayal and had confronted him, I walked around in a fog. I did not want to speak to anyone as I swung back and forth between feeling angry and feeling like a sucker. He and I shared lockers so I moved mine. I was functioning on a day-to-day basis, but it took every ounce of emotional strength to keep on going.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents for at least a month. I did not know how to. I finally broke down and told my mom after her constant inquiries about my terrible mood. This led to her telling my dad, which led to my dad yelling at me to snap out of the funk I was in and stop feeling sorry for myself. So I tried to move on. I didn’t go out of my way to talk to my ‘friend,’ but because we were in the same social circle, I managed to find a way to be cordial.
But I no longer had a friend that I trusted. My confidence was shaken and I doubted my judgment. I did not know who to trust and I saw nefarious intent wherever I looked. I know some of it was real, but I’m sure most of it was imagined.
I became much more aware of and sensitive to the loners in my class, since there were many times I now felt like one. On weekends I spent more time with my family, since at least I was sure they could be trusted. While I was safe with them, I did feel like a “loser” when I heard stories about the good times my classmates were having with eachother on weekends.
I remember one time I had gone to see a movie with my parents, an aunt and her friend on a Saturday night. We were driving home from the early show and, as we rounded the corner from the parking garage, I saw a large group of my classmates. I immediately ducked so they wouldn’t see me. I was afraid that if they did, they would make fun of me on Monday.
This was just one example of my insecurity and second guessing.
On the surface I still maintained the friendly and jovial demeanour that allowed me to connect with everyone. But, deep down, I was a mess.
Things did change fortunately. There was this girl in Science class. She was new to our school that year and, from the day I met her, she made an effort to become friends. This was all before the ‘incident.’ I was nice to her, I think. But I do remember getting the impression from some of her comments that she was trying to ‘save me’ from what may have seemed like my shallow desire to be popular. I didn’t think I needed saving, thank you very much. So I resisted getting too close.
She didn’t give up on me, however, and one evening, after the ‘incident,’ which she didn’t know about, she and a friend of hers called me at home to ask me to join them and a group of friends in producing a performance for a summer talent show. I guess I suddenly needed saving from the prospect of a long, lonely summer because I accepted the invitation.
That summer changed everything. It opened the door to dozens of new friendships, several of which are intact to this day. I was out every day and into the evening doing all sorts of things. I hung out at the beach, volunteered, went to barbecues, and got to perform on stage at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. I went to parties and met people from other parts of town. And all of those experiences had ripple effects that continued to impact me through the rest of my adolescence and still do to this day.
As an added bonus, I returned to school for my final year of junior high with confidence. That confidence helped me to be a better leader on student council and form deeper connections with some of the friends that I’d only had a superficial relationship with in the previous year. I signed up for an exchange trip to Quebec and that led to even more incredible experiences and friendships. As I looked through my Grade 10 yearbook the other day, I cherished the warm comments from great friends I made that year.
What I learned is that periods of feeling beat down lead to new awakenings and new opportunities. That sometimes the people that hurt me, intentionally or not, can actually help me if I process the experience differently. These lessons have helped me get through a lot of the day-to-day disappointments in business and in life.
I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, called Reboot, a few months ago. The host and author (Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up), Jerry Colonna, was helping 2 start-up partners navigate a transition in their relationship. Jerry quoted a Buddhist teaching that really resonated with me. It went something like this: “Be grateful for everyone, including those that push our buttons, for they show us where we are stuck.”
So I am grateful for the betrayal and the doors that opened because of it.
Do you have a negative experience in adolescence that still effects you to this day even if it did lead to a positive outcome in your life? Please share it by commenting below or email me your thoughts at shakeel@oceanbluestrategic.com
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